Wednesday, 14 April 2010

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Paul walked out of the door and waited for a break in the traffic so he could cross the road to get to the bus stop on the other side. It was drizzling and a cold wind was picking up. In the pavement a small crack caught his eye and he looked into it as he waited. Inside the crack an ant’s nest pulsed with columns of ants leading off in five directions. As he watched them a passerby stood on a section of one of the columns and this made Paul angry. He tried to stand over the ant’s nest to protect it from the passing feet, but he began to be buffeted by the increasing build up of pedestrians, so he decided to follow a line of ants to see where they led. They went across the pavement towards his house, up his path, up his door, and through his letterbox. He examined the line of ants and saw that the ants coming back from his house were carrying granules of sugar. He realised they were stealing his sugar. He opened the door of his house to see his cat, Penguin, lying down, head on front paws, watching the line of ants, occasionally flicking a paw in their direction. Paul didn’t know what to do so shut the door on Penguin and the ants and went to the bus stop and caught the bus to work.


Comment on YouTube video.

Chan1989 (4 minutes ago) Reply | Spam

p was goin 2 work at the bus stop he c sum ants on d road an goin in 2 his house thiefin his sugar!!!!! yes!!!! his cat dun nuffin lol haha he jus go 2 work then left the cat an ants in the door!!!

Monkeyfudger (7 minutes ago) Reply | Spam

Shut up, idiot. Nazis couldn’t spell either.


Hemingway’s ‘Hills Like White Elephants.’

The bus stop across the road was full and busy. On this side there was a cold wind and the route was blocked by two lanes of traffic in the drizzle. Close against the soles of his shoes there was a crack in the pavement and an ant’s nest, from which lines of ants extended across the open pavement and up his pathway, and through his letterbox. The man and the cat that lived with him sat in the hallway, inside the building. It was very cold and the bus to Wandsworth would come any minute. It stopped at this bus stop for two minutes and went on to Clapham. ‘What shall we do?’ the man asked. He had taken off his gloves and was stroking the cat.


Military Report.

Pursuant to Regulation 70B (1a) at 0701 hours Paul Sinclair (henceforth P S) was following as closely practicable as possible Regulation 345C. During the commencement of Regulation 345C PS discovered an ants nest on the pavement and according to the Terms of Reference began examining the aforementioned ants nest whereupon it was discovered to be in conflict with Regulation 76A and pursuant to Regulation 76A PS counted five directions. It was at this point (0706 hours) that PS attempted to protect the ant’s nest in accordance with Regulation 32D and the Terms of Reference but the enemy had superiority of numbers and PS made a tactical extraction whereupon it was discovered that a column of ants had broken out and were attempting a counteroffensive. They were observed to be in possession of contraband glucose countermanding Order 28a(i) and PS pursuant of Regulation 61C retreated to the rally point whereupon Staff-Sergeant Penguin of the Royal Fusiliers reinforced PS. At this point (0713) it was realised that the situation was untenable and a tactical extraction would again be necessary in accordance with the Rules of Engagement laid down in Regulation 2324E.


Haiku

Cold wind blows across

Hands in peeling gloves

Waiting people shiver


The ants in the crack

Carry sugar home on backs

In five directions


Sleeping cat is happy

In the hallway by the door

Winds cannot reach


Instructions

Step 1. Check the box for all of the contents. Contained should be the bus stop from the opposite side of the road, five lines of ants (from a central nest stored in a crack in the pavement, see fig.2), a cat called Penguin, sugar (brown), a man called Paul (see fig.3), heavy traffic (pedestrian and motor), a house (see fig.6), and a cold wind. Warning: The wind may displace objects during the building process.

Step 2. Take Paul out of the house making sure he does not cross the road immediately. You should see that the traffic (pedestrian and motor) makes this impossible at this point.

Step 3. Make Paul aware of the ant’s nest you have previously placed in the centre of the pavement. It should become apparent that the pedestrians will stand on the ants nest.

Step 3. Place cat Penguin in hall of house. Leave.

Step 4. Place a granule of sugar onto the back of each ant. A line of ants must lead to the house at this stage.

Step 5. Paul should follow the ants into the house.

Step 6. Penguin will ignore the ants. Paul leaves via the front door.


Funeral Oration For The Sixth Ant’s Nest,

By Herm-ant Goering.

(After Goering’s Funeral Oration for the Wermacht’s Sixth Army.)

Today our glorious leader informed us that the unnatural threat of humanism has encroached on our front in the eastern sector imperilling our sugar production. The Sixth Ant’s Nest has been lost and there will now be three days of mourning and sombre music. A fighting retreat has been attempted, but at an unknown cost. Let it be known that the Sixth Ant’s Nest will fight till the last man and if brutalized will fight back using the same means. God is nature, nature is eternal, and where humanism intervenes in natural development the results are annihilation. If they triumph we will lose everything we love. We are now at total war.

Long live the Sixth Ants Nest; long live our God, the Great White Cat.


1 comment:

  1. Of course, you know you've lost the plot yeah?

    ReplyDelete

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